Sehnsucht: Alan Watts and the autumn longing

On June 15, I’ll publish the second issue of The Living Dark Reader, my quarterly PDF journal of essays, fragments, and reflections intended for deep and relaxed offline reading, away from the shifting currents of the “live” online experience. The journal is an extension of The Living Dark newsletter. If you’d like to see what it’s like, you can download the first issue, which I published in March.

The lead piece in the upcoming issue is an 18,000-word essay titled “The Autumn Longing: A Personal Phenomenology of Transcendental Desire.” It explores a particular experience of intense, ethereal longing that has come over me repeatedly since early adolescence, and which I eventually came to recognize as sehnsucht, Romanticism’s classic “nostalgia for the infinite,” after C. S. Lewis helpfully gave me that word for naming it.

The excerpt below comes from the essay’s appendix, where I gather several extended quotations from writers and thinkers whose reflections on this longing appear in the main text. This passage concerns Alan Watts:

* * *

Alan Watts’s project in Beyond Theology was to reinterpret Christian theology through the lens of Advaita Vedanta, the Hindu philosophical tradition whose central insight is expressed in the eighth-century philosopher Sankara’s formulation: “Brahman is real, the world is false, the individual self is only Brahman, nothing else.” Brahman, in this framework, is the universal, central self whose divine dreaming gives rise to all finite selves and the cosmos in which they exist. These selves and their lives are real, but they are real as dreams, as projections of Brahman into the play of finite existence, which the tradition calls lila, the divine game or dance, unfolding within maya, the dream or illusion of space, time, and separate identity.

Within this outlook, Watts finds a warrant for appreciating the Christian experience of alienation and longing in a new light. The individual self’s sense of lostness, incompleteness, and yearning for something beyond itself becomes, in his reading, the experience of Brahman dreaming itself so deeply into finite form that it temporarily forgets its own nature: “If … the Christian imagery is set within the context of the Hindu, the razor-edge path between salvation and damnation, with all the magnificent and appalling consequences this illusion has had for mankind, becomes one of the greatest dramatic situations of all time,” because it illustrates just how deeply Brahman can allow itself to become lost in its dream, even to the point of forgetting that it is dreaming and that it therefore possesses the power to awaken.

The experience of individuated selfhood thus becomes, in Watts’s formulation, “a dream that I am not dreaming at all, that I will never wake up, that I have completely lost myself somewhere down the tangled corridors of the mind, and, finally, that I am in such excruciating agony that when I wake up, it will be better than all possible dreams.” In other words, it becomes the dream of the wholly alienated Christian creature-self, lost in a vale of tears and anxiously longing for the inconceivable bliss of Paradise, to be known in the hereafter by those who have been saved through Christ.

It is out of this schema, and specifically out of a model of human individuality as “two spheres with a common center,” the outer sphere being the conscious ego and the inner sphere being the real self that the ego has forgotten, that Watts’s description of a primal human longing emerges. This longing, in his reading, is the inevitable epiphenomenon of a consciousness that has temporarily forgotten what it most deeply is, and that sometimes, in certain rare and luminous moments, it half-remembers:

This fantasy religion would then require the final condition that at some time the two spheres would merge, that my inmost Self would awaken from its dream to transform my superficial ego with a shock of recognition. Perhaps this is why we sometimes have a strangely pleasant sensation of having forgotten something extremely important from long, long ago. Occasionally, this shadow of a memory comes with hints of a forgotten paradise, some luminous landscape of hills and waters which is utterly familiar and yet completely unidentifiable. Every now and then the “real” world reminds us of it, and we think, “This is what I have always been looking for. This place feels like home.” At other times, the memory has a much deeper dimension—a sensation of being immeasurably ancient and knowing, as somehow prior to time and space. But there is nothing at all specific about it, for though the sensation is vivid, it is tantalizingly ephemeral. These are, then, intimations of something to be remembered which is, as it were, a vast dimension of one’s being which has been kept hidden—perhaps from the moment of birth. For consciousness, or conscious attention, is the trick of noticing the figure and ignoring the background, and in the same way I seem to notice my ego and forget my background, the larger Self which underlies my ego.

* * *

The Living Dark Reader, no. 2, will be available on June 15 to paid subscribers of The Living Dark. To subscribe, click here: The Living Dark.